Footloose is encouraged, but not on your feet.

I was talking with a few friends last night, and unbenownst to me, the formerly topic of all topics in my life, came to the forefront of conversation.

Shoes. That's right, shoes. I have a thing for them, and believe footwear really do scream your personality type. Ladies, when you're scouting out a potential mate, I highly recommend you start from the bottom and work your way up. That's been my motto anyway. Some people, okay most, think I'm a little odd with my assessments, and others perhaps, think there's a level of shallowness to my critique/judgmental outlook of their poor choice in footwear. The truth of the matter is, there's no shallow element to it at all. Truthfully, I'm stretching the truth here. To a degree, I do judge. Here's some unsolicited insight into my quirky shoe ideology (of the male kind):

Running shoes: He either just came from a run/sport activity, or he just likes wearing anything smelly. He probably doesn't wear deodorant either.

Hiker's duds: Fashion is not his forté. He likes his mountain. He likes his green and his bicycle as a preferred mode of transportation. He recycles. He's an observant introvert, and he needs a woman who can keep up with his granola lifestyle. But don't expect conversation.

Boat shoes: He should be holding an apple martini 24/7. Your shoes imply gayville. And hell, maybe you are gay. Certainly explains it. That, or he works on boats for a living.

Work boots: Should not be worn after hours. Ever. But to those that do, expect no female attention. Ever.

Flip flops: There are variances to this footwear of choice, beginning with the Abercrombie douche and ending with the 'care free' dude that just can't be bothered to even get dressed in the morning. Especially evident when worn in the bitter cold of winter. You can spot either type quite easily, even when not looking.

Loafers (tassled): Pompous rejects with high importance on the job front positions sport these sad, should have been left in the 80's, tassled, must be eliminated, shoe - a real scourge of society - any way you look at them. They're such an eye sore, rather unfortunately, they can be spotted from several miles away. What a sad display of confidence.

Converse sneakers (Jack Purcell included): You are one classic cool dude. Effortless, with just the right amount of effort. Of course, this shoe can also swing in another direction - the greasy haired, melodramatic lifestyle kinda guy, is not the classic cool to which I'm referring. Go wash your hair immediately. And, if you have more than 3 holes in your pair, it's time for a new investment. Also, stick with the classic styles; frilly converse are meant for toddlers only. My affinity for this shoe is considerable, so my opinions on them are outside of the realm of possibility. Having said that, these shoes are cheap enough never to go generic. A wannabe converse is worse than anything tassle. Yep, that's correct. I did just go there.

Oxford: A good oxford, when worn effectively, can be a good fit on any guy. These boys, are a go to shoe. Just don't screw this one up. No hideous white gym socks allowed.

Shiny (anything): Rare, let me re-emphasize, rarely should these be worn. Unless you're in the military, and the high gloss must be worn with your snazzy military uniform, please abstain from owning a pair. And if you already do, burn them. Now.

The Jesus sandal (or any form of Birkenstock): Oh my gosh. Do not do it. The sock and Birk in the 90's was an afflicted, inadvisable, debacle of a time. For all repetitious sake: A deplorable, not to ever be repeated mistake. Same goes with mimicking Jesus. Do not confuse the WWJD walk with Jesus as a literal translation. Walking in His 100 BC shoes is taking it way back. There's no purpose here.

Sadly, I could continue, but tis all for this segment of "I know everything and you don't." Gotta cut loose and kick off my Sunday shoes...